Does the return to normal life after cancer change your outlook on life?
It’s been an entire year. One whole year since I’ve posted on here. Did I forget what this was all about? Why did my passion for fostering outreach, education, and awareness die out? I’d say it didn’t. It just needed to hibernate, so it could come back stronger and attack with a renewed purpose and see things more objectively. I didn’t lose interest, I just lost focus. The time away has made the desire to be more focused grow strong.
Recently, I’ve been struggling with the fact that my life is back to “normal”. I feel like I lost something, by gaining back everything I once had before cancer. It’s a strange feeling. For a long time I didn’t even know what the feeling was. It came out in various ways. Sometimes it was depression, other times just anger bordering on rage. It keeps me down some days whilst on on others, it propels me forward. As if the pain is fuel that I can’t figure out how to combust properly.
I have a good job, a social life when I want it, a beautiful woman to share my life with and a daughter that is amazing in so many ways it’s hard to believe she is a part of a world that will never fully appreciate her gifts. I have nothing to complain about, yet…I have yearnings for things that feel just outside of my grasp. Thoughts of a great power that is still inside that terrifies me. I keep trying to get back to those thoughts I had when the cancer was fresh in my mind. Everything so clear, so important. I was everything and everyone and all of the strength in the universe wrapped in a frail body who knew it could be the end. It was something I’ll never accurately be able to explain to someone who’s never experienced it.
So, along I rode, with all of you, with all of my family and friends, yet alone. No one to explain the unexplainable. Alone, in the darkness of a cloud of forgetfulness with no guide or compass to navigate. I let myself forget. Let myself get swallowed up by the routines of others. The rut. The numbing activity of doing nothing with life as it passes me by. Fate, however, makes plans for you when you’re not looking.
About two months ago I decided to take to writing something. I don’t know what got into me that day and I don’t know why I didn’t just turn to this blog to spew out the story I told. Instead, I posted a little cancer story on the dnd subreddit, and related my cancer story to Dungeons & Dragons and how it was instrumental to my recovery. It was about, in a way, it cured my cancer. (You can read it here if you like.) It was met with a very unexpected positive response. There were so many comments and upvotes I couldn’t keep up with responses to the comments. It even caught the eye of a bit of a celebrity in the nerd community Matt Mercer! A few days later I was approached by a group that works with NPR and am in talks to do a live interview on a podcast. So needless to say, things got exciting recently.
This should of been enough to get me excited about moving forward with projects, but I needed something else to snap me out of my funk. Enter BigReally925.
I started to get back into gaming regularly and with that comes new friends. This was a friend of another long time friend of mine who introduced us over playing the popular Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds. He was funny and was easy to get along with and responded to the group well. I knew there was something about him though, that I was connecting with on a different level. One night we were the last to leave the party and just got to chatting about life and things. He started talking about Neuropathy and how it effected him and I was able to talk to him about it since going through it myself with chemo. We shared health stories and it turned out he is a diabetic and had been bed ridden for a while due to foot surgery and this was his only outlet to talk to people because he couldn’t walk at the time.
We have become very good friends and recently came up with the idea to host a live 24hr game stream to see if we could raise money for cancer and diabetes. We decided to team up and get as many followers as we can so I am plugging it here so you can keep an eye on our goings on.